FROM THE ARCHIVES: George North: “Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair.”

Originally published February, 2012.

When this article was syndicated on ESPN’s, the WRU (genuinely!) requested that ESPN label the article as satire as they were concerned it would be taken at face value. Yes, they actually did reach out and request that (just as they raised concerns about the article we did on the canary yellow Wales jersey).

The article also prompted this tweet from George North:

Ahead of George North’s final appearance for Wales, here is the original East Terrace article:

George North: “Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair.”

Rumours are circulating in the rugby world that Warren Gatland and other senior members of the Welsh management are concerned about the impact fame and success is having on Welsh wing George North.

After the teenage sensation put in another fantastic shift at the coalface in Wales’ dramatic 23-21 victory in Dublin last weekend, North has been behaving in a manner that has caused a few eyebrows to be raised in the Welsh camp.

North was first capped by Gatland at the age of just eighteen and became the youngest player to score for Wales when he claimed a brace of tries in his first match against the world champions in November, 2010. He was also the first player ever to score two tries against South Africa during a debut performance.

Until recently, much of the odd behaviour had occurred out of the public eye, but a press conference with the winger on Tuesday has set alarm bells ringing and the Welsh Rugby Union is scrambling to try and address what seems to be a major problem.

The impromptu media event was not an officially sanctioned WRU press conference and was arranged by North himself. Dozens of rugby reporters were ‘ordered’ to attend an “audience with the King of Wingers” in the main banqueting hall of Cardiff Castle and told that failure to attend would have “severe repercussions”.

North’s arrival at the press conference was unlike anything ever witnessed in modern sport: the eight-foot winger, who can do the 100m in 9.7 seconds (as stated in notes his assistants passed to the attendees and written in North’s own handwriting), was carried to the top table of the hall on a golden chair carried by dozens of scantily clad young virgins and was dressed in a Welsh rugby jersey made of pure gold and silver. Atop his head was a crown of pure gold adorned with precious stones.

“My name is George North,” were North’s opening remarks. “King of wings, Conqueror of the People of Hibernia, Destroyer of Fullbacks and Punisher of Wings. Look upon my recent works, ye Mighty, and despair. I have called you mortals here to air my fury at not being named King of the Match in the game against Hibernia last week.”

North explained that Mike Phillips, who had been awarded man of the match by Irish broadcasters RTE, handed over his commemorative medal to North as soon as the game ended.

“Mike Phillips knew George North was furious,” growled North. “Mike Phillips knew medal was mine and that stupid men at RTE only gave him medal as they were too scared and too small to put medal around my neck with their puny hands.  My neck has a circumference of three metres.”

After several minutes of similar talk, North permitted the assembled media to ask questions upon the condition they opened their questioning with the term “King of Wings” and did not make direct eye contact with him at any point. 

Asked if he was happy with his performance in Dublin, North bellowed:  “Puny Irish try to stop George North, but George North smash puny Irish. They were like the buzzing of flies to George North.”

Another journalist asked if North felt any pressure taking over the number eleven shirt from Welsh legend Shane Williams, who recently hung up his international boots.

“George North will reach such glorious heights that the name of this mere mortal will soon be forgotten,” thundered North.  “The time will come when no man or woman will ever recall any other wing other than George North.”

North then snarled in a contemptuous manner.

A journalist from Scotland queried if Wales’ campaign was still in danger of failing due to the relatively high injury count they have suffered thus far and the banning of Bradley Davies for a tip tackle.  North coldly replied:  “Let no one mourn. The loss of one or two players is of no great loss to the nation. I will be playing and that is enough, is it not? Scotland will be crushed under my feet this coming weekend, and they will cower in fear whenever they hear my name for the rest of their days. Even if they were to hang from the clouds by their fingertips to try and escape me they would still feel my wrath.”

North was asked if he thought that perhaps he may be wiser to show more respect for his opponents and perhaps follow the words offered by his teammate Ryan Jones who had said that it was a “bit early to talk about Grand Slams”. North replied: “I would say that, if I were Ryan Jones, but I am George North.”

File:George North.jpg - Wikimedia Commons

However, the press conference came to a sudden end when one writer asked if he thought Wales were fortunate to win in Dublin after a late controversial penalty. “I do not steal victory,” boomed North before throwing the table he was sat upon up into the air in fury and storming through the assembled throng to the exit (who parted in fear before his eight-foot frame).

With the WRU press machine in full swing it is hard to glean facts, but the latest rumours emanating from the Welsh squad’s training base in the Vale of Glamorgan is that North refuses to start training until all the other players have offered a sacrifice in his honour.


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