The East Terrace - For the rugby football enthusiast

RFU fall for ‘Trojan Horse’ trick

Civil war
Andrew is 'Trojan Horse'

Posted August 21st, 2006

English rugby has been thrown into all-out civil war after the RFU’s appointment of Rob Andrew as elite rugby director.

Since his appointment on Friday 18th August, a gang calling itself the Brotherhood of the Domestic Game has taken control of Twickenham and taken many major figures at the RFU hostage. Among those being held is chief executive Francis Baron.

It is believed that the organisation - apparently a splinter group formed by radical members of both Premier Rugby and the Professional Rugby Players’ Association - were sneaked in the back door of the RFU headquarters by Andrew himself, just hours after he was appointed to the post.

Andrew, a long term critic of the RFU’s policy on various issues, particularly that of player availability for internationals, was a surprise candidate for the newly created position and the real reason for his application has now become obvious.

The East can disclose that Andrew’s submission for the elite post was part of a ‘Trojan Horse’ strategy by the Premiership clubs to seize control of Twickenham and radically redesign the structure of the professional game in the UK.

Reports are still unclear as to what exactly occurred on Friday, but one RFU employee, a member of the union’s administration staff, managed to escape her captors and gave the following report to the East Terrace:

‘It is a madhouse in there. This gang calling themselves the Brotherhood has taken complete control of the complex. They have been in charge since late Friday afternoon, I didn’t get out until Sunday morning. They have all the big wigs chained up: Beaumont, Baron, everyone. Rob Andrew keeps giving these long, rambling speeches and then he keeps walking over to a window overlooking the Twickenham pitch and will throw his head back and laugh manically for what seems like an age.’

The escapee claims that the RFU top brass are currently chained up and hanging from the crossbars of the rugby posts.

‘They are only let down when members of the Brotherhood want somebody to make them a cup a tea or some food. Then they are chained back up again. There is even talk of an alligator pit being dug underneath them, it’s awful.’

Although the Brotherhood have been in control of the stadium and its offices since Friday, no formal announcement was made by the group until mid-Monday afternoon, when the following speech, complete with details of revisions to the game’s structure, was read out over the stadium’s public address system by Rob Andrew:

‘RFU, your days of tyranny and fear are over. The new order has come to bear and we will be bound by your petty laws and regulations no more. The people are reclaiming the game. No longer will our November months be spent shedding the blood of our young men and taxing the wallets of our supporters, we are giving the game back to the people. No longer will our young men be sent off to foreign lands in the summer months to toil and sweat against armies of Kiwis, Convicts and Africans. We will keep them safe at home.’

Andrew then went on to list the following changes he had implemented to the domestic game:

  • Annual November series to be reduced to one game.

  • Professional players no longer allowed to represent England. Amateur players will now be selected in an attempt to ‘return to the spirit of rugby’.

  • 97% of revenue from Six Nations to be distributed amongst Premiership clubs.

  • Play-off system to be abandoned and league structure to actually mean something once again.

  • No relegation….ever.

  • Rob Andrew’s drop goal against Australia in 1995 to replace Wilkinson’s drop goal in 2003 as the ‘most dramatic and bestest drop goal ever’.

  • RFU to formally apologise for its behaviour since the game went professional in 1995.

  • Twickenham’s Museum of Rugby to be ‘revamped’ and credit for 2003 World Cup victory to be equally split amongst all current Premiership clubs.

  • As a response to the crisis, Sir Clive Woodward, who was competing with Andrew for the elite director post, is appealing for a group of volunteers to try and liberate the RFU HQ's from the Brotherhood.

    ‘I implore my comrades to join me in trying to liberate HQ. I swear, even if the Brotherhood were hanging from the clouds by their fingernails we would have them down by nightfall. Let all those who love me follow me…follow me.’

    Meanwhile, security at Murrayfield and the Millennium Stadium is being stepped up in light of the crisis as officials are worried that the coup may inspire similar acts throughout the UK. However, experts think Welsh rugby is unlikely to follow suit as no rebel faction can agree with any other rebel faction on any matter what-so-ever, even their own names.